III. The Journey of Sight rather than by Faith.
Chapter 2: Talking but Getting Nowhere
Ramona was the extrovert. I was the introvert. She would be circulating among the people at church while I would be just percolating in one spot. I didn’t know how or what to say to people unless it was Bible related. I couldn’t carry a conversation past 5 minutes. I watched as Ramona interacted with people.
For the first 5 to 7 years of our marriage, we had lots and lots of arguments. Our arguments were so loud and heated that our children thought that we would divorce. Yes, she even threatened to divorce me if I didn’t change my ways.
There were times she would be so angry with me that she would be in the kitchen banging on the pots and slamming on the cabinet doors. I didn’t dare to enter the kitchen lest my head be chopped off. The louder she banged on the pots and pans, the further I withdrew from her. Looking back, the primary reason for my distance wasn’t safety or my lack of relational skills, it was that I couldn’t handle being hurt or rejected by someone I loved. Outside the doorway, I would hope that she would calm down and forget about whatever was bothering her. In fact, I wasn’t sure what she was so mad about! I was clueless.
She would wait up for me to come home for work after 11:30 pm or later and we would “talk” until nearly 2:00 am. I was never home since I was taking classes during the day, and I worked an afternoon or evening shift. For the most part, I was already gone when the kids came home from school. She was living as a single parent, and I didn’t even realize it. I was too busy taking classes, doing homework, or preparing to teach a Sunday School Class. There was no room or time for the family. She felt neglected and unloved. But I kept telling myself, I couldn’t help it as I had to work and finish these classes.
Over the course of 5-7 years, we learned to break from our unhealthy and vicious ways of handling arguments. The late-night conversations weren’t helpful nor the banging of pots and pans.
We came up with our own set of rules that improved our communication skills. From time to time, we had to pull out our sheet of paper and work through the steps:
- The sharing person who wants to bring up the issue is to ask the listening person: “I have something that I want to share with you. Is this a good time or would you like for me to share with you later?”
- The listening person must respond and say, “It is a good time now.” or “Can we talk at a specific date and time?” The listening party is to keep his/her word and call for the meeting within two days.
- The sharing person will state what is the problem or issue in one sentence. The sharing person is not to describe the problem but state the problem. For example, “I am mad at you because you are never home.” or “I feel neglected. I need time with you.” Stating the problem or issue will help the listening person to understand the heart of the problem.
- Whenever I tried to guess what the problem was, it made Ramona even madder at me. My wrong guesses gave her more reasons to be angry at me! Even though I was trying my best, this didn’t help at all. Trying to guess what the problem without knowing what the root issue was took too much time and heartache to uncover. It literally took hours to dig down through the surface issues. “Oh, you never bring out the garbage.“, but I would reply that I did bring the garbage out at times. I brought out the garbage, but guess what, she still wasn’t happy or satisfied. It wasn’t about bringing out the garbage. It’s about being a partner in caring for our home and our children.
- The sharing person after stating the problem is to give specific examples of how s/he sees it. This means that s/he must have concrete examples of the problem.
- The listening person is NOT to interrupt or ask questions until the person is finished. The person can take as long as is needed to explain and the listening person is not to interject with any comments or unhelpful facial expressions. When the sharing is finished, that sharing person needs to say, “That is what I wanted to share with you.” which means that s/he is finished.
- The listening person is to say, “Let me see if I understand the problem that you are saying to me.” The listening person is to restate the problem as s/he understands it in one sentence, “So from what I heard from you, you are sharing with me that you are __________ and that you feel __________. Is that right?”
- The sharing person will either say, “Yes,” “No” or “Not Quite Correct.” S/he will begin to rephrase the problem in another way so the listening person can understand the problem and feelings involved. This continues until the listening person restates it correctly. Once this is agreed upon, then the listening person can move to the resolution stage.
- The listening person then asks, “What do you want us to do about it?” The sharing problem needs to provide solutions or options to take steps in resolving the problem. It is likely that the sharing person has thought about the problem and knows what will make him/her more happy. That person needs to share it.
- The listening person will say to the sharing person, “Do you want to hear what I think about what you shared with me? The sharing person may say, “Yes” or “No” or “Maybe Later.” If the answer is “No.” by the sharing person, then the conversation ends. The sharing person must cease the hostility and the listening person needs to stop feeling that s/he needs to reply.
- The listening person will say to the sharing person, “Thank you for sharing with me. I appreciate it. I didn’t know this. I am sorry. Would you like a hug from me?” Hopefully, the sharing person will say “Yes.”
We have discovered that it is not about who has the last words. It is not seeing each other as the problem, but the way we communicate and what we can do to make life better for both of us.
For those 5-7 years, we were going nowhere in our conversation. We were just two people living in the same house until we learned to truly share from our hearts.