Thank you for the question on accusations, “Why do communities typically turn against the husbands and “assume” negative things about them when their wives lie, slander them, cheat on them, and abandon the marriage? Why do they assume that the wives are honest and innocent?”
Here are some thoughts for one’s consideration about a cheating spouse and the community:
A. Most if not all couple hope at the civil or church wedding service to be faithful to each other.
B. The cheating by a spouse is a reflection that the marriage relationship has failed to the extent that one spouse feels or believes that s/he is no longer loved and feel love. The desire for affirmation and love may drive that spouse into the arm of another sympathetic person. Thus, one has to examine the cause or reason for the unfaithfulness of the spouse.
I am not sure whether the marriage can be reconciled since it depends on the depth of hurts and how long they have been hurting each other verbally or the lack of genuine intimacy between them. Some spouses carry past “baggage” with them or unresolved conflict into their marriage. The couple may not have the skill set to resolve the past issues.
C. The failure of a marriage should be a private affair and not a community affair. The unfaithful spouse may blame the other spouse for the neglect that s/he may have felt in the marriage. She may be venting her frustration within the marriage. She may be blaming the husband for “driving” her to lie and cheat, perhaps as a way of revenge against him. A counselor is needed to sort out the root cause and the symptoms of the fracture marriage.
D. In the case of Asian marriages, husbands are driven to success by working long hours. They justify their absence or tiredness due to long working hours. They seek to provide for the family. Some Asian marry not for companionship but for the wife to bear him a son. After the child or children is born, he leaves the raising of the child to his wife. She may feel this is not a partnership and doesn’t want to be a single mom with a married husband. He doesn’t have time for her or for the children.
Now whether this is the case for Asians or non-Asian marriages, that is something one has to examine in their own marriage. As an Asian and being a pastor, I have seen this attitude of neglecting the spouse, hardly or never celebrating their wedding anniversary, going on vacation, etc. The wife has to plan nearly everything. I don’t know if this is the particular case or not.
E. The coworkers at her job may be more sympathetic to her side of the story without listening to the husband’s side of the story. The gossips get around and one’s reputation is damage. Once it is damage it is very difficult to be restored.
It’s not surprising that both spouses are angry at each other. One for the neglect, if that is the cases, and the other for feeling unappreciated for all his sacrifices for the family. The cycle deepens and the walls are higher and thicker. Counseling is needed.
As a general advice, forgiveness for one’s failure in bring about reconciliation and restoration. Each party must admit to their contribution to the marriage breakdown and dysfunction. The apology must be genuine as well as the forgiveness. It’s will require changing the perspective that the other person is the enemy or the cause of my unhappiness. It is viewing each as partners and building each other up, needing daily conversation about how one is feeling about themselves, their day as well listening to each other pains and hurt. Silence is not golden. It is deadly.
As one may well know, it is a general assumption that it is the husband who “flirts” with other women more than women flirting with men. If one is dissatisfied in the marriage, there is the tendency to look outside the marriage for sympathy which drifts into falling out of love with one’s spouse to falling in love with another person.
Summary: Honest conversation spoken in love is required if the marriage is to be restored. Hatred and bitterness are acids that eats away at the marriage vow and love for each other.
-Kingston