Thank you for the question on overcoming a tragic/dysfunctional family, “Aside from the context of having been the only one who survived a tragic event, can survivor’s guilt also apply to someone who grows up in a dysfunctional family, gets away and thrives?”
In giving an opinion, not THE opinion, I approach this question from a Christian perspective and share a pastoral perspective. I will have to defer to the professional counselors, but here I give an opinion.
For one’s consideration, I share some thoughts on this matter:
A. Survivors of a tragic even and or dysfunctional family have an uphill climb to overcome their past experiences.
Survivors of a tragic incident or accident at times may place false guilt on themselves especially if one was in heated argument(s) that was followed by a tragic event. One wonders whether if s/he didn’t say what they said that their family members may be alive that day. One wonders whether it was a true accident or was it something worse. One wonders why I survived and no one else. One wonders how I can move on without any family support. There is the feeling of being alone and loneliness. Friends may come and go and one may have a difficult time adjusting to a new family.
The past may haunt the person, the present may be filled with pain and questions, and the future is uncharted territory. Dealing with one’s desire or search for love and acceptance, resolving past hurts, and the needing or wanting of true companionship.
B. The recovery from the past experiences will take time, perhaps even a lifetime.
The question of whys can never be fully satisfactory answered. No one knows or even if one knows, can conjecture the “what if’s” in life. If one was five minutes sooner or later, the outcome would be different. If one was born into a different family or if one made a different choice sooner, the outcome may be different. The whys and what is is bondage to the past.
The resolution of dysfunctional family is forgiveness and having appropriate boundaries. It is not allowing the parents or other family members become controlling of one’s action. It is breaking the co-dependent relationship and starting to chart one’s own course. The hurt and pain of verbal or physical abuse is not the denial of the past experiences, but determining not to continue in that relationship. It is forgiving their willful or unintentional actions. It is being able at the appropriate time to share/confront their past actions. The lack of forgiveness or holding onto one’s bitterness is self-destructive behavior. It is being shackle to the past. Forgiveness allows one to break free, to be set free, and being able to move beyond the past event(s).
The Lord’s Prayer and the Lord’s utterance of forgiveness on the cross sets a person free from the hurtful injuries from others. Forgiveness is the key that unshackles the person and allows the person to set forth a new pathway. Revenge is entrapment for no amount of revenge can remove the pain that one’s feel. It will take grieving the past and forgiving. That is the pathway forward.
C. The Pathway to Thriving is love.
As one has been hurt, the ability to love is stifled. Our human love (phileo) is insufficient to bridge the gulf of pain. The love of God (agape) is able to meet our need and desire for love and acceptance. To know deep within oneself, that nothing in this life can ever separate a person from the love of God gives that person peace and comfort. God is with me and goes before him. He is the Good Shepherd, not that I am the Captain of my own life. Our own charting will most likely take us to seek revenge if the opportunity came to get even with that person. To be able to look at that person not as a enemy but a victim, a person under bondage themselves takes great compassion and grace. This does not come from oneself, but from God.
Romans 8:28 gives a believer a divine perspective that regardless of the events that happens in one life, God will use that experience even as painful as it may be to develop a character trait in that person. One becomes better, not bitter as one can share with others how s/he has or is overcoming one’s hurtful experience. It taking one’s experience and using it as a blessing for others who are under that same bondage.
SUMMARY: One can thrive, not just survive, by confronting the pain of the past, by forgiving so as to become better, not better, and by expressing compassion and love so as to set other frees from their pain and bondage.
For more perspectives: